Internet Insanities
by thecrazyfanficcer
Summary: [ONESHOT] You know, there's a reason Bellatrix Lestrange hates any and all fanfiction...


Voldemort was crazy.

Yeah. Like that was new. He was exceptionally crazy today, though—or as crazy as always, owing to the fact that he'd now discovered the underworld of fanfiction. Yeah. I know it's weird, but who was I to stop him?

Actually, after obtaining a Muggle laptop from the future (Don't ask me how), he was looking for stories with…ah…odd romantic pairings, or 'ships,' as they were called. He loved such odd ships—to quote him, word for word: 'The weirder the better.'

"What are you doing?" Lucius asked, cursed by the plague known as Parody Fanfiction into OOCness. "Reading Lucius/Bellatrix fanfics?"

I raised an eyebrow, but he only grinned and thumped the occupied Voldy on the shoulder. "Hey, what can I say? It's a parody—however I know that, probably owing to some intentional plot hole—so of course it doesn't make sense. I mean, I'd never go out with you when I've got Narcissa, after all."

"Intriguing pairing choice, Lucy. Some of these fanficcers whose excellent fanfics I've frequently read and enjoyed should try it," Voldemort replied. As far as I could tell from peering over his shoulder, he was busy reading pieces featuring himself and Millicent Bulstrode—again, I beg of you not to ask—on Returning to the screen—somehow not noticing me staring intently at it over his shoulder—he surveyed it through angry red eyes. "Gah. What happened to all the good me/anyone fics?"

"How about with you and that Weasley girl, or that Mudblood, Granger?" Lucius suggested. "After all, it's who people seem to pair you up with the most, isn't it?"

"Yes, but that means, predictably, that there are a lot of really bad ones out there over the Internet." Voldemort sighed in exasperation. "Besides, what would I wanna be doing in bed with a Gryffindor?"

"Good point," Lucius added, nodding.

"And, besides, there probably aren't that many good romance fics with Voldemort and anyone other than those moronic Gryffindors." I rolled my eyes, exchanging a grin with Lucius. "Then again, Lucy—to use Voldy's old nickname for you—I don't think there are that many good ones with you and anyone besides Narcissa."

He glared pointedly at me. "Oh, really?"

"Fine. Find some, and then you can read and review them. I suggest you don't write any, though. I daresay Narcissa—ah—wouldn't like it." I grinned, suddenly noticing just how blond he was. "And especially not _Lord of the Rings_ crossovers. I doubt many people will want to read you getting it on with Legolas."

He left, muttering under his breath. Watching him, I smirked and sat at Voldy's side, watching him as he navigated the Internet in vain, searching for stories of Dobby/Arabella Figg. (Me: (mouth pops open) Him: (evil little smirk) Me: WITWW?) "For crying out loud, why can't I find any good fanfics in this pairing?" Voldemort angsted, headkeyboarding himself in ticked-off frustration. "I'm looking for serious stuff, but even badly-written crackfics would be good after all this empty nothingness."

I rolled my eyes again, making a mental note to never suggest to him to write fanfics of his own and muck up cyberspace—the results would be disastrous. (Honestly. Can you imagine? No, he wouldn't do Hogwarts/the Giant Squid. He'd write Ron/Giant Squid.) "Maybe you ought to look for something more mainstream—you know, like…." I trailed off, shrugging. "Well, there's a fair amount of Hermione/Dumbledore and Dumbledore/Snape fics, after all—maybe not as whacked pairings as you're used to, but…."

Voldemort waved his hand aside, cutting me off. "Oh, Bella, you know I'm much more 'whacked'—I prefer the term 'romantically challenged,' but whatever—than that. I can think up much weirder pairings."

"As if I couldn't." I blinked, trying not to think of us together, as he'd joked. What was he doing now, anyway? I had no doubt he was reading fanfics consisting of rather odd pairings, though I seriously hoped he hadn't taken the Legolas/Lucius comment seriously, considering he had a tendency for odd ships such as those. Actually, come to think of it, I was pretty sure his OTP (in crackfics or otherwise) of our dear old fandom was Fenrir/that Delacour girl.

No joke, by the way.

"Oh, er, let's see…." Delicately manipulating the mouse, Voldemort manoeuvred it over to the Pit of Voles' character settings. Lost in thought, his hand lay, quivering, on the mouse. "Hm…. Perhaps this…. No, not that…."

I waited impatiently, pulling out a notebook and quill from the depths of my robe. This was going to be a notable time for Voldemort; might as well prepare myself for that memorable (and perhaps frightening) moment. 'March 18th: Dear Diary, Voldemort has a good idea.'

Finally, it came:

"Bellatrix Lestrange/Colin Creevey!"

I fainted.

The next day….

(screech) Aaaaaaagh! The horror! (pounding feet) Good fanficcers writing over a hundred fanfics of one single crack pairing a day after it's introduced to the fandom? (wand being whipped out) (sparks…er…sparking) (flames burning) I hate you, Lord Voldemort! I hate you! (computer parts melting)

Voldemort watched as Bellatrix attempted to 'dispose' of the now burning remains of the computer—to 'dispose' meant, of course, to grab it and lob it out the window, totally ignoring her flaming fingers. Amused, he watched her rush frenzied circles about him even though the thing was gone. Watching her was going to be even better than _Family Guy_ while drunk.

Maybe, though…. Voldemort felt a twinge of guilt. Maybe he should tell her that the 'good fanficcers' were actually his sock puppet accounts…?

Bellatrix screamed again as she raided a cupboard in a desperate search for a long knife. Alongside her was Lucius, on the lookout for an even pointier knife while moaning something that sounded distinctly like 'Why, idiot fangirls? WHY?'

Nah. Best to let them have their fun.


End file.
